Unexpected schedule changes can throw off your child’s routine and cause chaos. Ever had a fun event get cancelled or a routine change unexpectedly? Our children trust in feeling secure with predictable events and schedules. Knowing what to expect gives our children an internal sense of calm. “I know what’s going to happen. I don’t need to worry.” When unexpected schedule changes happen, the child (who relies on consistency) goes into overwhelm, anxiety, or panic. The child’s brain goes from thinking logically (which happens in the frontal lobe) to reacting emotionally activating the amygdala (emotion center of the brain) and the child goes into survival instinct mode (regardless of whether the change is small or extreme), otherwise known as fight/flight/ or freeze.
Panic and alarms go off in the child’s brain.
As a trusted adult in the child’s life, you can help restore the child’s brain and return to logical and calm thinking.
1. Acknowledge the emotion
Allow the child to cry, be sad, be mad, and show disappointment. It is important for the child to know that it’s ok to experience emotion. Comfort and be with the child. Avoid a lot of talking. Calmly confirm what he/she is feeling, such as “that’s unexpected. It feels disappointing. I understand. We (use we to help the child feel supported like you’re in the situation together) were expecting to (expected plan or event).” To teach your child how to identify emotions, check out this FREE Guide to Reading Emotions available at stacytriplat.com.
2. Empower a Sense of Control
Once the child is calmer, offer an action item and empower a sense of control. Model slow and calm (brief) talking. Posture yourself at the child’s level, but don’t demand eye contact. Talk with the child. You could state, “What could we do?” Whatever the child contributes, validate. “Yes, we could do that. We could also _____.” Another way to phrase it could be “We have two choices. We can stay frustrated and upset about how this happened. It is frustrating, I agree. OR we can take a deep breath and try to think flexibly. It’s not what we wanted, but we can roll with it and move on so it doesn’t ruin the rest of our (time of day).”
3. Allow for reflection
Stop talking, be still, and be there with the child. Continue to model deep breathing and calmness despite how frustrated you may be feeling inside. After a few moments, check in with the child using simple language. “What do you want to do?”
4. Support Any Choice
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- If the child perseverates on panic, offer validation of the feeling. Allow the child to release the feeling (while also ensuring that the child is safe to self and others) “ I agree. This IS unexpected, but we can do this.”
- Model calm (such as taking deep breaths or pretending each finger on your hand is a candle, and blow out one at a time) and create predictability so that your child feels supported and reassured. Remember, when the child is panicked, he/she will feel out of control which can feel scary and overwhelming. Being the role model for calm and in control will help them to find their balance and self regulate more quickly.
- If the child chooses to move on, authentically confirm and praise him/her. “Nice work, we did it! We got through it. This is what’s coming next“. Give the next predictable steps in a calm conversational way so that the child knows what you’re going to do next.
5. Sincerely Acknowledge your Child’s Flexibility
During a calm moment later that day (or when reflecting on the day before bed), sincerely acknowledge your child’s flexibility/courage/calmness (no matter how they responded, find something he/she did correctly and appreciate how he/she handled it).
Say, “___ was unexpected, but you got through it. You took deep breaths, and calmed your brain. You stayed in control. Life gives us lots of opportunities to practice being flexible. The more we practice, the better we are going to get at staying calm and moving through whatever changes we get. What helped you today? What do you think we should try next time? I love you. Thanks for trying your best today.”
A Course Made For You
Build your understanding of what your child’s behaviors are telling you and why they are happening. Increase your child’s calm reactions with flexible thinking! This course was made for you. “Why Does My Child Act That Way: Understanding How Environments Impact Behavior and Simple Ways You Can Help. Find more at stacytriplat.teachable.com
